There you stop. I feel like my life is getting slow again. And I don’t think anyone is interested to know about it. I’ve got like everything is going wrong. I myself feels like a mistake.
My work. One time I was on top, day after I’ve got my stats low and the days thereafter. This guy that I am into, I dunno, I feel bored. Somehow I wanna break all the rules, those self-restrictions. The mellow and monotonous mood that I used to have is here again.
I guess this is depression. I thought I was losing it already. But I realized that it was never lost. It’s down here in my system hiding somewhere. Maybe I need something new. Maybe I need to indulge in some way.
Or is it about churching? Or is it about forgiveness? Or about that stupid guy? Or about me?
I hated the “I know how you feel…” “I know what you’re thinking…” “I understand you…” How come? Are they supernaturals to be omniscient enough to know even the deepest and darkest of me? I wanna slap them with “No. You don’t know anything.” To them I am a meek and humble one. But if I would describe myself, I am like a bottle of black smoke that no one would ever want to open. Even I wouldn’t want to. It’s fine, I’ll just let the fume consume me. I wouldn’t want anyone to be involved and harmed.
Forgivenesswise. I am more conscious than generous. I play life like chess — every move is calculated, every move of the opponent has its corresponding counter-attack from me. You hurt me and you’re outta my world. That’s where I am good at — playing numb, playing dumb. Defense mechanism, that’s what they call it. To some, it’s called unforgiveness. To some, it’s categorically identified as sin. And some time in the future, they would all call it pride. And it makes me bad. Evil. Sinner. I was hurt. I would wait for a sorry, but there wouldn’t be. I would try to explain, but they won’t just understand. Now, would not avoidance be a good decision? Would not be ignorance a good choice to avoid conflagration? I think it would be.
That stupid guy. Why? Why should that need to happen to me? Why should he need to do that? Because of his mistake, I am now suffering of something I don’t know how to get off from. And I am subject to judgment — by my conscience, and by the Holy One. I wanna break down. Cry.
At some point I don’t wanna blame anyone. I am responsible of my own self. It makes me feel inutile blaming someone else.
I need a break… From everything… And if only I could, I’d take a break from life.